Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We just shotgunned beers for America
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
