My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
