so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
