new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
