ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
