wrigley field is MILF paradise
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
