Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
