I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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