Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
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K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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