dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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