my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
