its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
