i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I will be naked everywhere
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
