everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
