Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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