Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
