Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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