I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
