Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
