dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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