Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've blown a few things in my day
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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