Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I wish there were birth control emojis
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
