Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
