i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
