I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
