Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
