Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
