I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
