Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
