yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
