I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
