I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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