cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
