I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
