My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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