I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
