i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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