Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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