Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
