In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
