Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
