Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
