just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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