she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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