We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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