I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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