we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
