Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
