Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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