You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
two words...techno handjob
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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