the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
