On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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