My friends, they love my intelligence
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
