yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
