so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
