there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
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I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize