I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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