She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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