If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
