You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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