i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
