I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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